Things I overhear at school

In all honesty, school is a pretty horrible place and the quicker I can leave, the better.

However, one of the only good things about school is the snapshots of conversations you hear by just standing and listening for five minutes.

Since I am such a kind hearted (and list loving) soul, I have devised a list of some of the strangest and down right stupid things I heard at school this week. Yes, just this week.

  1. ‘I’ve lost so much weight I’ve dropped three shoe sizes!’
  2. ‘Imagine being the first person to be pregnant, like, that must have been well weird’
  3. ‘If I bring the lube all you need to bring are your fingers’ (Really guys, in a school corridor?)
  4. ‘Come on, how dumb do you think I am, I know platypuses are made up’
  5. ‘You’ll never guess what I found out in Biology?’  ‘What?’  ‘Condoms have expiry dates’  ‘F*ck.’
  6. ‘Does this perfume smell of wee to you?’
  7. ‘I’m not sure about this nail varnish, does it look like I shat on my fingernails to you too?’
  8. ‘Is it just me who thought rats where grown up mice until like an hour ago?’
  9. ‘Sometimes I like to think about shirtless monsters’
  10. ‘Are homo-sapiens extinct because they where gay or is that just a coincidence?’
  11. ‘So miss, are bacteria always single celled orgasms?’  ‘I think you mean organisms honey’
  12. ‘Does anyone else find it proper weird that our bones are made of milk?’
  13. ‘Sir, how did the American Indians get from India to America in the first place cause like, you can’t make a plane out of a buffalo’
  14. ‘Did you know, you can get pregnant from swallowing an egg and a sperm?’
  15. ‘How come, when you have a period, the egg doesn’t come out, like, where does it go?’
  16. ‘Do you ever just think ‘Oh my God, I have a skeleton inside me!”
  17. ‘He told me I smell like a colon, do I smell like a colon to you?’
  18. ‘Why are women expected to breast feed when men have nipples too?’
  19. ‘Man I wish I was a girl, I’d just cup my boobs all day’
  20. How old where you when you lost your virginity?’  ‘Which time?’

I know people say school days are the best of your life, but I honestly find that impossible to believe, and if you think otherwise, just take another look over that list.

Anyway, if you are still lucky enough to have the joys of attending school, take just five minutes out of your Monday morning to stand and listen to the snippets of passing conversations, you will be astounded by what you discover.

Thanks for reading!

Are you sure there’s 24 hours in a day?

I am sorry, but there are not 24 hours in day. I mean, that’s quite a lot of hours and if there where that many surely I’d get something done, right?

Since the question of where time goes is apparently an unanswered one, I am going to attempt to find out exactly where the time in my day goes.

Apparently, the average person spends 9 hours working or commuting, 7 hours sleeping, 3 hours doing leisure activities, 1 hour eating, 1 hour cooking and cleaning, 1 hour grooming, 1 hour on the phone, half and hour caring for children or the elderly and half and hour shopping.

So, lets see how I match up;

12-1 am: sleeping

1-2 am: sleeping

2-3 am: sleeping

3-4 am: still sleeping…

4-5 am: I guess this is where my time goes.

5-6 am: zzzzzzzzzz….

6-7 am: beep beep beep beep (thats my alarm by the way)

7-8 am : quite a lot happens in this hour, I shower, dress, eat breakfast… probably the only hour of the day I’m actually vaguely productive.

8-9 am: a slow wander to school (being on time for school is a sacrifice I have to make in order to enjoy the sunny walk for 10 more minutes) and half of RE.

9-10 am: the other half of RE and half of PE. Outside. Playing football. Overall a pretty terrible hour.

10-11 am: the other half of PE (it’s 11 and I’ve already played football in frozen mud for an hour) and break.

11-12 am : Chemistry, possible the most sleep inducing subject of all, and when you got up at 7 only to play football for an hour I think a snooze is deserved, after all, do I really need to know about how alkanes react to bromine water?

12-1 am: Physics, another subject I wish with all my heart was not compulsory. However, I sit on the far right of the classroom and the teacher has no idea I exist. This means I am free to snooze till I can’t snooze no more.

1-2 pm: Lunch has finally arrived! I’ve had my two hours nap time and I’m ready for some serious eating.

2-3 pm: English, marginally better than chemistry or physics and with a teacher that actually know I exist. This means sleeping is off the cards and actually being involved in the lesson is necessary. Looking back, that’s probably a good thing but at the time it was physically painful.

3-4 pm: Form (a useless waste of time designed for discussing the events of the day with our tutor group which is instead used for eating, bitching and playing catch with the hat of the boy who’s had a bad hair cut. School children are cruel) and another leasurly stroll home.

4-5 pm: cleaning out the hamster and walking to ballet. Oh the excitement.

5-6 pm: A painful hour long ballet lesson which I would really rather not have attended today.

6-7 pm: Eating. Yes, it takes me an hour to eat dinner.

7-8 pm: Homework. You may think this is a productive hour but when it takes 60 minutes to do three maths questions I’m not sure it counts.

8-9 pm: Writing this blog.. well the majority of it.

9-10 pm: Watching Coronation Street and skyping my cousin simultaneously. That’s multitasking for you.

10-11 pm: Watching Family Guy, getting ready for bed and reading. I have this thing which means I can’t sleep unless I’ve read for at least half and hour.

11-12 pm: I go back to the world of dreams.

So to sum up, today I spend 9 and a half hours working (school and homework) or commuting (walking places), 8 hours sleeping, 3 and a half hours doing leisure activities, 2 hours eating, no hours cooking or cleaning, 1 hour grooming,no hours on the phone (unless you count skype), no hours caring for children or the elderly, and no hours shopping.

Well I guess that answers the question, my time doesn’t go anywhere, I should probably just use it more productively, maybe less Corrie and more productive homework.

Thanks for reading!

The fascination of science tables

There is something truly fascinating about science tables which I only fully appreciated today.

Whilst in the middle of an extraordinarily boring physics lesson, I could think of nothing better to do than read the tables, something I have never properly done before.

Since there where a couple of interesting things I discovered, I spotted a good blogging (and list) opportunity.

(If you don’t know what I mean by ‘reading the tables’, at my school we have those big old wooden science desks engraved with decades worth of carvings)

  1. The first thing I discovered is ‘Bailey hearts Daniel’. Ahh the classic, engrave the name of you and your year seven boyfriend in a desk so students for years to come will know about your short lived relationship. From the large scribble over the top(which, due to a large ink stain at the end, appeared to have been drawn with such anguish the pen broke), I can deduce that the relationship did not end on good terms.
  2.  ‘Malcolm has a tiny dick’. Another fascinating discovery accompanied by a drawing which I will leave to your imagination.
  3. ‘I hate science’  ‘I HATE YOU!’  A lovely conversation scratched into the table, destined to be read for years to come.
  4. A collection of surprisingly well drawn eyes with the comment ‘swagtastic’  sprawled beneath. Weather these two engravings where made by the same person, or if they are even connected, will remain a mystery.
  5. ‘I ❤ you’  ‘I ❤ you 2’. At first  I wondered if this beautiful and heart felt message was written by courting buddy’s who fell madly in love over the flame of a bunsen burner, or perhaps friends who felt the need to express  their affection for each other in the middle of chemistry. However, after close inspection, and a consultation with my lab partner, I discovered these two messages where written in the same hand writing.
  6. The words ‘tick if bored’, followed by a series of ticks in thick black white board marker. A classic and truthful doodle.
  7. A pair of badly drawn science googles with the words ‘stay safe’ above them. Weather this was drawn in a sarcastic way or by a true safety fanatic we will never know.
  8. ‘Miss… (Lets call her Miss X)’ drawn in red marker pen with a wobbly heart shape surrounding it.Since the sharpee fumes could still be detected lingering in the air, I can only assume this was drawn in a sarcastic manner by a member of the class who had just departed from double biology.
  9. A rather touching poem entitled ‘f*ck’

                 F*ck science, F*ck this school, F*ck the world and F*ck you to’

    Apart from the fact this is rude and sloppily rhymed, I was quite impressed. That many words engraved that deeply in a table takes time and dedication.

  10. And finally ‘0892635746335 call for sexy times x’. Hmm… maybe not?

I hope you enjoyed that journey through my science table, and believe me, there where plenty more engravings to busy myself with.

Thanks for reading!

Is that… no surely not… it can’t be…

As I opened my curtains this morning a look of disbelief came over my face.

What is that yellow circle up there? And don’t even get me started on the colour of the sky, I mean, since when has it been blue? Hang on… no… I must be seeing things… hang on… yes… THE SUN HAS COME OUT!

Yes, here in England, the sun emerging in March is quite an ordeal, I mean, I didn’t even need to wear a coat today…

Anyway, summer certainly isn’t here yet but I can most definitely settle for a spring where three jumpers are not a necessity when venturing outside.

My hair has feelings

You know when you do something your whole life and only realise it’s weird when someone points it out? Yeah, well that happened.

Since I can remember I have referred to my hair as having feelings. No, I have no idea how and when it started or why no one ever told me that it is, in fact, a very strange thing to do.

However, yesterday someone finally took the liberty of telling me that personifying my hair is not a normal thing to do. My friend offered to straighten it for me, to which I replied ‘no thanks, straighteners make my hair angry’. At first the quizzical look she threw in my direction confused me, after all, doesn’t everyone’s hair have feelings? Apparently not.

‘Ummm… your hair can’t get angry, its hair…’

‘Yes, it’s hair that will hate me for a week if you attempt to straiten it.’

This remark was not taken well. In fact, it was taken with a widen of the eyes and a shuffle backwards.

What she didn’t seem to understand is, as soon as a pair of GHD’s clasp onto a lock of my hair, there’s no going back. The damage is done and it will not cooperate with me for days on end. Honestly, after two years of trying, I think I would know what gets on my hairs nerves.

I also tend to claim that certain hair product make my hair ‘happy’. I once mentioned this to a shop assistant and the same quizzical look was thrown in my direction.

‘I use this product too, it’s great isn’t it’

‘Yeah, it makes my hair really happy’

I had assumed that quizzical glance was pure rudeness but thinking back, it was pretty necessary.

Now my friend has pointed it out, I’m noticing just how much I do it. Honestly, I may as well be Celia from Monsters Inc.

Anyway, I’m not the only person who does this… right

Wintery favorites

So today is end of February, an enlightening thought as, whatever the weather is saying (at the moment that’s grey and drizzly) in my book, winter is over.

That means today is the perfect opportunity to a list a couple of my winter favourites from 2013-14.

This would probably have been more helpful at the beginning of winter but you’re just gonna have to deal with it… sorry.

1. Lush FUN in the scent ‘RED’…

 In winter what could be better than relaxing in a nice warm bubble bath? Well, I have the answer to that. Relaxing in a nice warm bath with bubbles made of this baby. I have to say it’s definitely one of lush’s best products. When you open it, it like a putty that you can mould in your hands and make into shapes! (I’m just a big baby on the inside, but come on, it’s called ‘FUN’ for a reason). When you’re finished playing with it, you can either run it under a warm tap to create a bubble bath, use it as a body wash in the shower, or even wash your hair with it! I honestly love it and it’s amazing value for money. It costs £5 and lasted me for 6 baths. That’s less than a pound a bath, so really it’s a waste not to buy it! That’s what I tell myself anyway…

2. Scented candles…

Another must have for the winter months. Not only are they essential, pretty and warming to the soul, they make everything smell like Christmas! Come on, what more could you want?

Anyway, I have had to narrow my wide selection down to two favourite candles, and they are ‘fireside treats’ and ‘firewood fig’.

Fireside treats is a my first ever Yankee candle that I got for Christmas this year. It smells amazing! The best way to describe it is smores. Yeah, it smells like smores but not in a gross sickening way, in an ‘oh my it smells like smores I must eat the entire room’ kinda way. I agree that Yankee candles are expensive, a small one costing around the £8 pound mark, but they make great presents in the winter seasons.

Firewood fig is less of an expensive luxury. It’s from Primark. Yup, Primark. I think it cost somewhere between £1 and £3 so a complete bargain and a waste not to buy. Anyway, I got it home and lit it, not expecting much. However, it actually smells really good and surprisingly strong. It smells like going for a walk in the woods on a crisp winter morning. Mmmmmm….

3. Perfumes…

I have had two favourite perfumes this winter, Yves Saint Laurent ‘Manifesto’ and Body shop ‘vanilla’.

I’ll start with Manifesto, my first proper perfume. I got this for my birthday in December and I adore it. I love it like it is my child. When you first spray it, it’s kind of sweet and fruity but as it settles onto your skin it becomes more of a vanillery scent which lingers (no, I couldn’t think of a prettier word) all day. Also, I kid you not, every time I’ve worn it I’ve got compliments about how I smell. Granted they’ve been from the boy who has had a vague obsession with me since we met but still, I blame the perfume.

My second favourite perfume is vanilla au da toilette from Body Shop. I have loved this perfume for 2 years now and have gone through four bottles of it. As the name would suggest, it smells of vanilla, but not in a sickly sweet cake mix way, in a subtle and dare I say sophisticated way. I do like to carry this one round as it doesn’t linger (ugh there’s that word again) as long as Manifesto.

4. Garnier Hand Intensive Seven Day Hand Cream…

Hand cream is a massive essential in winter due to cold weather and central heating drying out our precious hands. I will admit to being a bit of a hand cream whore. I will go shopping and come home with 5 hand creams and no money. I like to scatter them around. Make sure I’m never more than 5 metres away from one.

However, this is the best hand cream I’ve ever tried. I picked up the mango one in superdrug because, well, what’s one more hand cream gonna harm? I got it home, tried it, and immediately went out and bought 3 more, one for my school bag, one for my hand bag, and one for the bathroom. I have a problem.

5. Nail varnish…

I’m also known as a bit of a nail varnish whore. In my opinion, there is nothing more satisfying to buy than nail varnish. As you can imagine, I have a very, very wide selection of colours but have narrowed it down to two for the sake of the length of this post. They are Rimmel London 60 seconds range in the colour ‘Rapid Ruby’ and O.P.I Nail Lacquer in the colour ”OPI on Collis Ave.’

I’ll start with may favourite, Rapid Ruby. Its a really gorgeous dark red colour that I just love for winter. The Rimmel London 60 second range are also fantastic as they dry very quickly (not quite in 60 seconds but I can’t complain) so they’re perfect if, like me, waiting for your nails to dry is like, well, watching paint dry.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I’ll let myself out.

Moving swiftly on, my second favourite nail varnish this winter has been OPI on Collins Ave. This is a beautiful dark pink colour that, just like rapid ruby, dries very quickly and only needs two coats. It also stays on for 5 days, with absolutely no chipping. This is perfect for me as I am very, very anal when it comes to nails. They can’t be an uneven shape, they can’t be smudged and they most certainly can’t be chipped. Although O.P.I is an expensive brand, they make great presents and, if you want a good quality nail polish, it’s worth the money.

6. Leggings…

I’ve never been a fan of leggings as I tend to feel a tad exposed. However, I hate jeans as I find them so unbearably uncomfortable I can’t wear them. This has left me shivering in the wind and rain in my uniform of skirts and dresses on more occasions than I care to admit. I have also had a number of skirt blowing up incidents that I would rather not discuss… *cringes inwardly*.

Anyway, in January I decided to take the plunge when I spotted a lovely pair of black and white gingham leggings in Topshop and, I have to say, I’m converted. They aren’t like leggings I’ve had before as they are thicker, warmer and have a pattern to disguise any nicker line/ pink pants showing through thin leggings incidents. I loved them so much, I bought another pair of patterned leggings, this time a houndstooth pair from New Look. I must say, since I’ve invested in a couple of pairs of leggings, the chilliness scale has gone down dramatically.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my wintery favourites, and have maybe been converted to patterned leggings?

Thanks for reading!

Time; a slippery bugger

Time is an issue for most people. However, I’ve been having some serious time management issues over the last week.

Before we delve right in, let’s clear a few things up;

  1. No, I am not going to address the fact I have not done a proper post for 2 weeks.
  2. No, I do not have an excuse.

Now that’s over with, lets get on with it.

“How did it get so late so soon?”- Dr Seauss

I suppose it all began when my clock decided to stop on Monday afternoon (yes that was 10 days ago and I’m still fuming). My clock stopped at exactly 6 minutes past 4. This meant, when I looked at my clock at 7, I congratulated myself on such fantastic time management, not realising I had managed to do what should have taken 2 hours in 7 hours. I know what you’re thinking, how did I not notice how dark it was outside? Well, here in England, it is perfectly reasonable for the sun to recline at 4 o’clock during the winter months.

I suppose the problem with time is there is never quite enough of it. No matter how hard we try, there will always be something more we could have done that day. I set myself the most ridiculous amount of tasks for the short 12 hours I am awake (and minus the eating, that probably reduces to about 8) and when they are no completed by 10, I tend to lie in bed and beat myself up. This mental abuse is not only stressful but sleep reducing. I lie awake, images of the work I could have done that day spinning round my head, until 4 in the morning when I finally manage to force myself into a strange vortex of conscious dream. This lack of sleep then means I stray in bed till mid day, reducing my time of vague productiveness to about 5 hours. Honestly, it’s a vicious circle that cannot be broken.

“If you want something done well, give it to a busy person”

Possibly the most truthful saying there is.

Last week was the half term, what used to be a relaxing and blissful time to have lie in’s and laze around with friends. Did I have time for any of these things? No, because I decided to do nothing till Wednesday and only then realise the amount of work I was meant to be doing.

‘And don’t forget your science exams!’

Thanks mum.

Anyway, since I still had the next 4 days off school I assumed I would get all my work done. Oh how wrong was I. There was always some excuse that meant it could be put off till the next day.

‘I need to clean out the hamster’

‘My friends parents are out and she’s lonely’

‘I need to get my sister’s birthday present’

And guess what, despite my stopped clock, time rolled on. Eventually (actually, not so eventually) Sunday rolled around and all my work was still sat, discarded and unloved, on the kitchen table.

Everyone clap for me!

 Well, I didn’t get any work done on Sunday as I was in high demand as a counsellor after some serious ‘boy trouble’ was encountered by my friend. However, I did manage to get it all done in three days, including school and ballet.

That just proves it. We (well me anyway) are much more productive when we are busy.

I hadn’t planned for that to be the message of this post. Oh well!

Thanks for reading!